


What Are You Waiting For?

by waitingforittttt



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, F/F, FLUFFFFFF, Homophobic asshole Henry Laurens, Little bit of smut, M/M, Modern - AU, More Relationships to be added, More characters to be added, Panic Attacks, graphic depictions of self harm, im sorry parts of this may be sad, mentions of self harm, more tags comingggg, not serious though, yes people are gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:52:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8946580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitingforittttt/pseuds/waitingforittttt
Summary: Alexander Hamilton writes his way out of the carribean, only to find himself even more lost in a new city and in college.





	1. Alexander Hamilton

Alexanders POV

"Why is college even a thing?" Alexander thought. 

It was Alexander Hamilton's first year at Kings college and already he was overwhelmed. He wasn't used to being in such a large place with tons of people milling about. Alex had grown up on the island of St. Croix in the carribean. He didn't have family left there so he decided to write his way off the island, earning him a scholarship at a university in New York.  
So there Alex stood in front of the door to his dorm. Behind the wooden obstacle he could hear laughter and conversations.  
He held his ratty bag in one hand and a room assignment in the other. His roommate had a name he couldn't even begin to try and pronounce. Something along the lines of Gilbert du Motier? He sounded snobby and rich, maybe someone from France, but oh well Alex would have to get used to that, seeing as he was in New York. 

"It's now or never" Alex mumbled. 

He knocked on the door and he could hear the muffled laughter die out. God dammit he'd already ruined something, and he would be living there for the rest of the year. How would he ever fix this?  
All of a sudden the door burst open revealing a tall, young man with light brown skin. He had a head full of poofy dark hair that bounced slightly as he shifted from foot to foot in excitement, he hoped. 

"Bonjour, mon ami! Je m'appelle Gilbert, mais tu puex m'appeler Lafayette." The man, Lafayette, said as he beamed.

Alexander was startled by the surprising use of French. It sounded like home. It sounded like the way his mother use to count to him, trying to get him to calm down when he was sick. When they were sick. When his mother...

NO! Alex had tried so hard to repress those feelings. He would be damned if he let them out right now, right in front of his new roommate. 

"Bonjour Lafayette. Je m'appelle Alexander Hamilton." He replied after what seemed like an eternity. 

"Oh mon ami, I'm sorry I didn't not know I was even speaking in French sometimes I just get so excited! You must be fluent in French as well it'll be so exciting to have someone around that I can..." Lafayette rambled. 

"Damn" Alex thought. 

This guy must have more to say than he does, which was very rare. Although Alex preferred to leave his words to causes he cared about. That's when there was no hope in stopping him. Although he had many things he wanted, no needed, to say, he wouldn't ruin this moment.  
Lafayette shoved Alex inside the dorm, which was a rather sizeabld one, more like an apartment. There was a couch with a coffee table in front of it. A mini kitchen sat off in the corner and large windows covered the far wall, showing the campus below. When you got to the middle of the room a hallway led down to the rooms. It split off in the middle, showing two rooms. Both identical besides the decorations that covered all but one space in one room. In the right room, green sheets decorated the far bed. There were drawings everywhere. There were people, faces, and places, and god there were so many turtles. The side closer to the two was fairly barren. Brown sheets adorned the bed and there was a sewing kit sitting at the foot. A couple of embroideries decorated the walls. They may not have been the smoothest but they were better than Hamilton could have ever done. The desk at the window had a fairly large man sitting at it. Not large in a bad way but damn did he have muscles. He was wearing a grey beanie and grey sweatpants with a maroon t-shirt.  
Lafayette must have noticed him staring cause he had that huge smile on his face from before. 

"That's my boyfriend!" Emphasis on the boyfriend part Alex noticed. "His name is Hercules but call him Herc."

Hercules turned, obviously startled. 

"That's me." He said with a lopsided grin. God the people were to good for Alex, or that's what he thought. "And you must be Alex?"

"Y-Yeah that's me." He was blushing for some reason, he wasn't sure why. 

Lafayette ran over and kissed him quickly on the cheek and ran out to the the door to the other room. Alex followed him blindly, unsure of what just happened. These men were so open about their relationship and although he was proudly bisexual, he had never been this open about any relationship before. 

"Laf!" Herc shouted after the curly haired man. 

Laf just squealed and laughed. Alex began to smile. His life was looking up.  
Laf's bed had rich purple sheets. French flags decorated every place he could see and expensive looking clothes were spread out over the bed.  
Alex sat down on the bed and sighed. 

"I leave to get unpacking!" Laf exclaimed and ran out the door. He assumed to Herc's room because he heated a muffled "Hey!" And something being knocked off a table. 

"Well..." Alex thought. "This is home now." And he felt a small smile spread across his face. He was happy here. Something he hadn't thought would happen ever. 

Alex looked down at his belongings and began the task of unpacking.


	2. Where to Begin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander unpacks and John Lauren's makes his appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Here's another chapter for ya before the holidays because i definitely won't be able to get it finished tomorrow. Hope you guys enjoy so far i know it's a slow start but hopefully you lovelies stick around for the whole story!

Alex's POV

Halfway through unpacking his belongings (which was only about 10 minutes since he didn't bring much with him), Alex realized he didn't have sheets which was sort of a problem. 

He poked his head outside and spied Laf, who was still in Hercs room. He tried to walk over casually, masking how nervous he was to ask for sheets. 

It may seem silly to be this nervous about something like sheets but when Alex had to ask Laf for sheets it was kind of nerve racking considering Laf could probably buy a whole store of sheets if he wanted.

"Hey, Laf?" Alex asked. 

"What is, how you say, up Alex?" Laf replied

"LAF! You know how to say what's up don't play the French card now" Hercules scolded, even though he was laughing. 

Alex let out a chuckle. "Is there anyway you have spare sheets?"

"Why of course, mon ami!" Laf bounced out of the room. 

Alex let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. 

He followed Laf back to the room they shared. Herc yelled out something behind them. Something along the lines of don't scare the poor boy. 

On Alex's bed sat deep blue sheets. They looked just as luxurious as Lafs purple ones but that was expected as they were still Lafs sheets. 

Alex let out a breath he wasn't even aware that he was holding. "Wow, thanks!" He said. 

"No problem. You can keep them if you want. I already have so many and I've got enough money to buy a whole store full of sheets if I wanted."

Alex let out a laugh. Funny how he said the exact things he was thinking earlier. 

"I'll still be right across the hall if you need me, mon petite lion. Is it ok if I call you that? You seem as though you have so much to say even though you are, how you say, tiny." Laf chuckled. 

"It's fine, I like it actually." Answered Alex.

Instead of Laf wondering into the other room like he said he would, he plopped down onto his bed. He continued talking and Alex didn't mind that much. It was nice to have someone finally talking to him after all these years, even as he was doing a task as mindless as putting sheets on the bed. 

Not long after, Hercules breezed into the room and sat next to the bed. He smiled as he played with Lafs curls. Winding them tightly on his finger then watching them spring free when he let them go. 

"Laf, honey, if you keep talking the poor boys ear off he won't want to stay very long." Herc said. 

Laf turned to him and said "But I'm just trying to keep him company. It's not like I'm hitting on him or anything." He smiled and slapped him playfully across his muscular arm. 

Herc was about to say something but closed his mouth when Alex said "No it's fine i don't really mind. It's better than the quite in used to."

They all sat quietly for a moment before the door burst open and someone yelled "WHAT TIME IS IT?"

Laf and Herc yelled "SHOW TIME!" Back to the voice. 

Laf ran out of the room and Herc looked at Alex. 

"That's John Lauren's. He's the last piece to this crazy puzzle. He shares a room with me." And Herc ran out of the room after Laf. 

Alex decided that was his cue to follow them and meet this mysterious John Laurens. 

He walked around the corner of the hallway and in front of him stood a literal angel. 

John was beautiful. I mean GOD DAMN. He had a golden toned skin. Freckles covered every inch of his face. His eyes, oh man, his eyes were a soft light brown with a gold ring in the middle. His hair just made it all better. It was curly, damn it was curly and there was so much of it. It wasn't as puffy as Lafs but it still had volume. It hang down to his shoulders and Alex just wanted to run his fingers through it all day. 

"You must be Alexander." John said with a smile. His voice was like honey, it was so smooth. He had a faint southern accent as well. 

"Um, Alex actually but yeah that's me." He felt a heat rushing to his face. One that was very unframiliar. He had never felt this way about any girl or man he'd ever seen.

"Well Alex, it's so nice to finally meet you." He said, his smile growing even wider. Alex smiled back. 

"You too, um?"

"Oh I'm so sorry I forgot all about me. Pardon my manners Alexander. I'm John Laurens."

"John Laurens" Alex said with a smile. 

"Okay you two love birds" Herc said. "Let's go get something to eat, I'm starving"

Alex blushed at the use of love birds but he couldn't argue with food. He hadn't really eaten anything real for a long, long time. 

"Alright let's go" John said begrudgingly, even though he was smiling at the thought. "I guess I could do for some food even though I just got back here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapters are pretty short I wish I could make them longer but I hope you guys like it anyways. Let me know if you have any suggestions! Next chapter we may or may not be looking into Johns side of what's been going on ;) See ya lovelies next week!
> 
> Happy holidays


	3. Boy You Got Me Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Laurens makes his way into Alex's life and some serious stuff happens.   
> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies. So my schedule isn't really a thing right now because I am on winter break like I'm sure a lot of y'all are and I get bored easily. Also i had to up the rating because of some action between two people (no spoilers ;)) but if you don't want to read some minor sexual content you have been warned. There are also mentions of self harm in this chapter. Hope you guys like it!

John sprinted down the hallway toward the dorm he shared with his two best friends and now some kid named Alexander Hamilton. 

"Oh well." Thought John. "As long as he isn't a dick I'll be okay with it."

He neared the dorm and without hesitating, he slammed the door open. 

"WHAT TIME IS IT?" He shouted excitedly. 

Laf and Herc ran around the corner. Laf came first but Herc wasn't to far behind him. 

"SHOWTIME!" They shouted in unison. 

The smiles across their faces couldn't possibly get wider but somehow they managed to make it happen. 

Laf started to tell some story or another but John hadn't really started paying attention because behind him and Herc another man stepped around the corner of the hallway.

"Man" thought John. This wasn't a usual occurrence. I mean sure John was super gay, he wouldn't even try denying it anymore, but damn was this guy beautiful and not many guys had him feeling this way. His raven colored hair was tied back in a messy bun, revealing his high cheekbones that stood out on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes but for some reason John didn't mind them. He thought they just completed his look. The quite, drawn back front he seemed to be putting up. John could see this spark in his blue, green eyes. One that showed his unspoken passion. 

John smiled widely and pushed Laf out of the way a bit. 

"You must be Alexander Hamilton." His smile grew even wider when Alexanders name slid out of his mouth. He loved saying it. Or maybe he loved Alexander. He wasn't quite sure at this point which one it was.

"Um, Alex actually, but yeah that's me." Alex blushed a bit and John thought he looked a bit helpless. John new he felt like that. The minute he looked into Alexanders, wait, Alex's eyes, it felt like the sky was the limit and he felt helpless. 

"Well Alex," John said, turning his southern accent up a bit. He often did this when he felt like he needed to impress someone. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"You to, um?"

"Oh I'm so sorry, I forgot all about me" looking at you I forget everything "pardon my manner Alexander." Alex but I like Alexander better. "I'm John Lauren's." But I'll gladly add your name onto mine. 

John tried to cover all his thoughts up with a smile. He was known for being smooth and he was gonna keep up his front or die trying. Wait, to literal...  
Now was not the time for that. 

He tuned back in just in time to hear Herc say "Okay you two love birds, let's get something to eat I'm starving."

John saw Alex blush but he just smiled at him then but said "Alright let's go." Sort of begrudgingly, as if he didn't want to go. 

Alex looked at him and smiled as soon as he caught on. God damn was it possible to fall for this guy any harder?

"I guess I could do for some food even though I just got here" John joked. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

As the four walked through campus towards the college cafe, they ended up drifting into pairs. Laf and Herc took the front holding hands while John and Alex took the back. 

"So, Alex" John said smiling  
"How'd you get to this crazy college?"

"Well it's kind of a long story, maybe one for later but I wrote my way out of a pretty bad situation."

"Oh I'm so sorry I didn't realize, I shouldn't have made a joke out of that. Oh shit, man I'm so sorry, god dammit."

Alex had this half smile on his face. "I don't need a pity party John. But I'm doing better now." 

John could hear the hesitation in his voice. "You sure, Alexander?" His voice was much quieter now. He was genuinely worried for Alex. He couldn't bare the thought of Alex having to go through anything bad. It made him want to curl up into a ball and cry. 

"Yes, John, don't worry. Ill tell you if I need help." Alex smiled softly at John. 

John was relieved. Again, he would curl up into a ball and cry if he thought Alex was struggling. 

"Good." He smiled and Alex smiled back. Johns knees went weak, but he couldn't show it, he wanted to impress Alexander. Not scare him away. 

"Let's catch up with Laf and Herc, they seem to be on a mission to get shitty cafe food." John said with amusement in his voice. 

Alex and John walked and talked and joked, not far behind the couple in front of them until they reached the cafe. 

Herc pushed open the doors and Laf swung out his arms extravagantly, much like himself. 

"Welcome, mon petite lion, to the greatest 5 star restaurant you'll ever eat at." He added a dramatic pause. "The college cafe!" 

"Over here" added Herc, we've got the warm food station, don't mind that, we're not even sure what that is." He looked distastfully at some weird reddish slop.  
"This is the salad bar, over there is sandwiches, and lastly drinks. Oh and you pay over there." He said gesturing at a cash register.

The group split up and John watched as Alex took one of the pre-made garden salads and got a large cup of black coffee. John himself really just wanted some pasta but he figured he'd wait for dinner to save some money. He grabbed a water then caught up with Alex at the register. 

"Oh, hey!" Alex said. 

"Don't sound too excited, I just left." John said with a laugh. 

Alexa face fell and he looked pretty upset all of a sudden. "Oh."

"Wait, shit no, no I didn't mean it like that of course I'm happy to see you my god I never want to leave you." John stoped suddenly, he dared to look at Alex, trying to judge his reaction. 

At first Alex was startled but then it kind of wore off and a huge smile spread across his face, his eyes twinkled. "You mean it?" He questioned. 

John smiled softly. "Of course I mean it."

They payed for their food and drinks then went to find the table Herc and Laf were already at. 

John sat across from the two and Alex sat down next to him. 

"So, mon ami, where are you from again?"

"Oh. Um, just some small island in the Caribbean. It's not a big deal, we don't have to talk about it." 

John noticed Alex was rushing through this sentence, as if he was fighting himself while trying to see how fast he could say it. John didn't know how this man lived, he just seemed so conflicted inside, like every small choice he was making was life or death. 

"It's fine Alex, we certainly don't have to talk about our home lives." Herc replied, catching on to Alex's desperation. 

"Yeah I mean, some of us have had pretty fucked up pasts and we totally get you don't want to talk about it." John offered, smiling warmly. 

"Thanks." Alexander said while blushing slightly. He ducked his head as Herc brought up another conversation topic. 

"So what's everyone majoring in? I'm getting into this whole sewing and tailoring thing so I'm not quite sure at the moment."

"I'm undecided." Laf said in his thick french accent. "Although, I'm leaning towards American history right now. You Americans can be so interesting sometimes." 

"Ok Laf." John said chuckling. "I'm pre-med so pretty fast paced stuff, but nothing I can't handle." He winked at Alex. 

"Oh, that's ah, um, cool." He managed to stutter out. "I'm a lawyer so pretty fun stuff I guess." 

"Pre-law" Laf corrected him. 

Alex just smiled. John felt like he could get lost in that smile. All he wanted to do was make Alex smile. 

"So," he said casually "we should maybe clear up our preferences at the moment, you know, just to get it out of the way." John really just wanted to see if he could go after Alex. Not in a creepy, sex predator way of course, but damn did he want to kiss Alex till his lips went numb. 

"Bi." Replied Herc, glancing at Laf. 

"Oh I'm pan." Laf said. "Doesn't really matter what's in your pants I just want a good, how you say, partner with a good personality." He looked at Herc, smiling widely. 

John knew about Herc and Lafs, interesting, relationship for the last couple of years. Of course they said they were dating but there were sometimes where they were off and on. At the moment they were very much on, but who knew when the would be very much off. They'd all been friends back home. Well, in South Carolina. 

Herc had a pretty great home life and his parents were always there for him. Laf was fostered by a family there but he was eventually set free to college. His foster family didn't quite like how eccentric he was, to say the least. And John, well he had a pretty fucked up life. His dad hated him cause he wasn't catholic, he wasn't straight, and he disagreed with his father on, like, 75 different fronts. Henry Lauren's still payed for his sons tuition but made it very clear he was not to visit his house ever again. 

"I'm..." John tried to force out the words. We was so desperately in love with Alexander. At this point he didn't want to hide it. We was in love with this boy, one that waltzed into his life so casually. "Gay!" He said, proudly. 

Alex turned and smiled at him. "Bisexual and proud!"

John slipped his hand under the table and grabbed Alex's hand, intertwining their fingers. Alex mimicked his movements and his smile grew even wider. John was rubbing circles on the back of his hand. He had never trusted anyone so quickly but with Alex, it was different. He could completely trust Alex. He knew he wouldn't break it and god he just wanted to get back to the dorm. He tried to convey his message silently to Alex, who looked back at John with complete understanding and nodded. 

"Well I'll go help Alex finish unpacking how about you two go for a walk and figure out whatever is going on between you two." John rushed and quickly smiled, pulling Alex out of his seat. Alex tossed his uneaten salad and empty coffee cup into the trash and said "Bye guys!"

Herc looked at Laf questioningly and raised an eyebrow. Laf just shrugged in response. 

As soon as the two left the cafe John pulled Alex into a kiss. A kiss that practically melted John when Alex sighed against his lips. Everything felt so right. Alex's full, soft lips against his, the passion between the two making its self very clear. 

Alex pulled away first, resting his forehead against Johns. "Are You sure about this?" He whispered

"Hamilton I have never been so sure of anything in my life. You take my breath away every time you smile and I want to make you smile every day. I'm in love with you and I've only known you for a couple of hours. I trust you completely and I know you won't fuck things up cause your just that kind of person." John said, all in one breath. 

"Well Lauren's," he smiled suggestively "I do believe we should head back to the dorm and finish unpacking."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

John had never walked so quickly in his life but as soon as he got through that door he pushed Alex up against a wall, kissing him passionately, his tongue flicked experimentally into Alexanders mouth. When he moaned quietly, John took this as encouragement and started exploring his mouth, his hand reaching into Alex's back pocket and he squeezed lightly. 

"Oh fuck! Lauren's oh my god you're going to have to stop if you want me to last." He said jokingly, pulling away from the kiss. 

"Maybe we should go into your room, after all that's where all your stuff is right?" He questioned, his voice had gone down an octave, the lust in his voice clear. 

"Oh we're still on that Laurens?" Alex smirked. His hand sneaked down to the bulge, very clearly present in Johns jeans. 

"Ohhhhhh, fuck! Hamilton." John moaned. 

Alex smirked and pressed his lips against Johns. He walked them backwards to Alex's room, lips never separating. Alex's hand was still resting over Johns half hard bulge. The only thought going through johns head was alexalexaleaxalexalex and how much he needed him. John knew he was moving fast but Alex seemed to want it just as much as he did. He would never intentionally hurt Alexander. Oh god no, he would rather bear all the pain of Alex's life than have to watch him go through that. 

Alex pushed John down onto the bed rather roughly. His already light eyes were looking rather dark, his pupils blown wide. 

"Are you sure you want this?" John said, breathing heavily. 

"Of course, I've wanted you since I saw you in the hallway." Alexander replied, also seeming rather out of breath. 

"If your sure, Hamilton." John smiled and pulled him down next to him. 

"I'm sure, Laurens." 

John pressed his lips back to Alexanders lips and bit his bottom lip softly. 

"Oh god." Alex said softly. 

John smiled against his lips and moved his hands to the hem of Alexanders soft, blue t-shirt, tugging slightly, asking for permission. 

Alex replied by moving his hands to where Johns were and tugged up slightly. John only broke the kiss to bring the shirt up and over Alex's head. He let Alex do the same and soon the were both sitting on the the bed, shirtless. Johns hands moved to Alex's jeans, his hand tugging lightly at the zipper. 

Alex gasped and pulled away suddenly. John looked at him concerned. 

"Oh Alex I'm sorry it's totally fine if you want to stop here, I completely understand I was rushing, I mean we only just met."

"Oh, John no." Alex said softly but he was shaking slightly. John pulled him into his side and wrapped his arms around him. 

"What's wrong?" John asked as he rubbed soothing circles on Alex's back. 

"I just don't want you to leave me." He replied. 

"Oh, Alex." John looked at him sadly. "Oh god I would never want to leave you."

"Well." 

"No it's not a question. I know it's early but I never want you to leave my side."

Alex smiled sadly. "I, uh, I've had a hard life so far. I don't know if I should be telling you this right now but I will because if your going to stay you should know the truth."

"Go ahead." John said and tightened his grip around Alex before loosening it slightly. He felt a tear fall off of Alex's face and onto his chest. God, the thought of Alex crying wanted to make John cry but he knew he needed to be strong right now. 

"There's, um, there's sc-scars." He stuttered out. 

"Oh, oh god."

"I know. It was the only way I could cope. The only way I can cope. I've lost everything John. I've lost my family, friends, my own home, John, and there was no one to turn to and, and I turned to the blade. I know you'll what you'll say. 'Oh I'm so sorry Alex you deserve better' and stuff like that but I don't. I truly don't. I've watched everyone around me die or leave me. I've been on my own for so long and my foster families didn't give a shit about me or any of my problems and so now there are scars. A lot of them." 

John could only feel despair in his chest. He wanted to pull Alex tighter and tell him it would be okay and he didn't have to do this any more but he knew none of that was true right then. He wanted it to be but it wasn't. 

"Alex, love, I'm not going to leave you because you've been through shit. I don't know if you've noticed but I've got scars too Alex." 

Alex pulled away and looked down at Johns arms. He traced the lines running down his left arm. John shivered at the contact. No one had ever worried about them. He wore long sleeves. No one really seemed to care. But he knew Alex did. He could see it in his eyes. John had been clean for a month and a half now but he was far from okay. 

"Alex," he said softly "we're going to get through this together, love."

Alex looked up at him through his lashes. Through the tears. John broke a little inside. 

"Can I show you the scars?" 

"Oh Alex you don't have to if you don't want to."

"No I do. Trust me I do."

"If you want."

Alex slowly undid the zipper on his jeans and pulled them down to his knees. Scars littered his thighs. They were everywhere. Some seemed faded some where still red and looked as fresh as if they were done yesterday. 

Alex looked down at his own legs. John saw the ashamed look in his eyes. He pulled Alex's jeans up. 

Alex looked him in the eyes. 

"John."

"Alex."

"John, promise me everything will be okay for us."

"I'll try my best. For you."

"For us?"

"For us."

They smiled at each other. John knew it wouldn't be better for a long time. They had work to do but god if it meant making Alex happy there was nothing he wouldn't do. 

"Hows about we get dressed and go get dinner at the cafe and you can meet the rest of our dysfunctional family?" John questioned, his eyes twinkling. 

"Yeah, yeah ok that sounds great." Alex replied. 

The two got dressed and John took Alex's hand and led him out of the dorm and towards the cafe. 

He was going to keep his promise to Alex. He was going to try to make everything ok for Alex. For him. For them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know if I mentioned but I think I'm going to try and write some longer chapters now. I do have school and swimming every day besides the weekends which is when I will be posting after break. Hope y'all liked it and I'll see you lovelies next weekend! <3


	4. The Schuyler Sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets a bit panicked and 2/3 of the Schuyler sisters show up.
> 
> Trigger warning: panic attack

(Alex POV)

Alexander knew John had said he wouldn't leave him but he wasn't so sure. Of course he trusted John but with everything that happened before college he could never tell when someone would really stay by his side. 

His father promised he'd stay with his family in the Caribbean. 

He left. 

His mother got sick. She said they would get better. Alex got better. 

She left. 

He moved from relative to relative. They said the would help him. Where were they now?

Well, they left. 

He moved from foster family to foster family. They all said they would help him. Did they help him? No. 

They left. 

Now Alexander Hamilton was in college, which although he thought it was Kings college, he was informed in fact it was Columbia. But that was the least of his worries. He was faced with a new life in New York with new friends and practically new everything. So what would happen to the friends he had now. 

Would they leave?

This was all he could think about during his tour around campus with John. Despite the soothing weight of Johns hand in his, he was still nervous. He was shaking and it wasn't even cold out. Obviously John noticed. 

"How about we go back to the dorm?"

"Yeah. Yeah that sounds good."

He didn't want to go back to the dorm really. He would feel trapped in there but it was better than having a panic attack in public. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Alex felt himself being guided down to the couch. He sat down without really thinking about what he was doing. And John was there. He was next to him. Alex could feel him pulling Alex closer too him. 

That's when everything started fading

He was in his mother arms again. He heard her voice.

"We'll be fine honey. It's just a cold and we'll get better." 

It wasn't a cold. They both had fevers and god he felt terrible. 

And he felt him mothers last breath. He felt her shudder and then the bed felt heavier. He looked into her eyes and all he saw was a blank look in her eyes. He couldn't see the usual life and happiness that he woke up to every day. 

She was dead. 

She was gone. 

There were tears streaming down his face as he yelled "YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME."

He could hear a softer voice off in the distance. Saying something about how he was safe in New York. 

He knew better though. He was on an island with a dead mother. "SHE SAID WE WOULD GET BETTER. SHE SAID WE WOULD MAKE IT. SHE'S DEAD NOW."

And then he felt a sting across his cheek. Suddenly reality flooded back in. He turned slowly and look at John. 

"I'm so sorry I didn't know what to do you were screaming at me about someone leaving you and I didn't know what to do and nothing was working..."

"N-n-no no no you're fine I needed it."

John kissed his forehead softly. "I didn't know what to do."

Alex looked up at John and saw the worried look in his eyes. He was genuinely concerned. 

"I was having a panic attack. My mother died when I was younger. She said she would stay and we'd both be better but she died next to me. She left me. And I'm scared everyone else will leave me as well." And then he exploded into another round of tears, this time sobbing

"No no, Alex honey..." Alex cried harder. 

"No I won't leave you and Herc and Laf won't leave you. You'll be fine we're right here. " 

Alex pressed himself into John and just sat there until his sobs turned to tears which turned to sniffles. And John sat there the whole time, rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. He peppered Alex's head with light kisses until eventually Alex started to feel okay again. 

"Look at me." John whispered. 

Alex slowly turned to look at him. 

"You'll be okay, I'll never leave you."

Alex looked at him with wonderment. How could anyone want to stay with him after that. Sadly the moment was ruined by his stomach grumbling. 

John chuckled softly. "Want to get dinner? Laf and Herc are there already and you can meet the Schuyler sisters if you want to."

"Sure" the idea of being with friends sounded better that being alone, not to mention he was a bit hungry. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Alexander sat down with John. He had another salad despite John telling him to get more to eat. 

"Bonjour mon ami." Lafayette said as they sat down. 

"Hey guys." Herc gave a small wave. 

On the other side of the table sat a beautiful girl. She had straight brown eye and big, brown eyes. Her features were soft and open. Her light blue shirt complementing her light brown skin tone. Another girl sat next to her with long and curly brown hair, darker skin, and wearing a yellow dress. 

"This is Eliza," the girl in blue smiled at Alex when John introduced her "and Peggy Schuyler." Peggy gave a rather enthusiastic wave and bright, open smile.

"I'm Alexander Hamilton." He said with a small smile. 

"Nice to meet you Alexander Hamilton, Eliza Schuyler." Eliza said and shook Alex's hand. 

"Nice to meet you Ham." Peggy said as Alex sat down. 

He laughed a little at the name cause it was rather hilarious. 

"This is our newest member of this crazy family?" Peggy questioned. 

"Well it seems so." John replied with a smile at Alex. 

Alex blushed a little, remembering the events that had taken place hours before. 

"So what are you majoring in Mr. Hamilton?" Eliza asked, looking curious. 

"Oh um, pre-law." Alexander wasn't sure why he was at a loss for words. He had a thing with John. Granted he wasn't sure what that thing was quite yet but still, he couldn't fall for every beautiful person he met. He shook his head and asked Eliza what her major was. 

"Oh I'm in pre-med." she said and smiled at John. Alex felt jealousy coming up until John soothingly took his hand under the table. 

"Our sister, Angelica, goes to a different school but she's becoming a lawyer and Peggy here is in American history." 

Peggy nodded excitedly. 

"Oh! I'm thinking about going to American history!" Laf exclaimed and Peggy squealed. 

"OH THIS IS GOING TO BE SUCH A GREAT YEAR!" She yelled. 

"Peggy." Eliza scolded her quietly. 

"Oh sorry I'm just so excited for college and meeting new friends and oh this will be fantastic!" 

Alex was so caught up in the Schuyler's exclaiming and Laf joking around and it was all too much, but in a good way. He was surrounded by friends and he could take his mind off of the events that had occurred earlier in the day. 

"It's so nice to meet you both." Alex finally said. "It's so nice to finally have a group of friends at my level, I'm kind of used to being alone so this is very nice." He smiled warmly at everyone. They were all so excepting. 

"Oh it's so great we are all going to have a wonderful year together I just know it." Eliza said and grabbed her sisters hand. 

"You'll be able to meet Angelica and Maria later, oh! Maybe you can come over to our mansion in Albany and meet them..."

"First off, slow down." Alex chuckled. "Let me just get this all straight."

"Oh none of use are quite straight honey." Eliza said with a laugh. "Well Peggy is but that's unimportant. I'm lesbian and Angelica's bi. And Maria is bi as well"

"WHO THE FUCK IS MARIA." Alex shouted, thoroughly confused. 

"That's Eliza's girlfriend." Peggy laughed. 

"Ok ok ok Alex let me help you out." John said with a wide smile. "I'm very much gay, Herc is bi and dating Laf who's pan. Wait you guys are dating right?" 

"Yes, mon ami, we've figured it out." He smiled lovingly at Herc who kissed him lightly. 

"Ohhhhhkay. Anyways the Schuyler sisters consist of Angelica, bi, Eliza, lesbian, Peggy, very straight, and Maria who's practically a Schuyler, and she's bi. Also dating Eliza. Got it?"

"Yeah but mansion? In Albany?"

"Oh yeah we're rich." Peggy said sheepishly. 

"God damn this is so crazy." Alex said with amazement. 

"I know we're all very different. So how about coming over, next weekend maybe?" Peggy asked. 

"We're in." Laf said, scooting closer to Herc on the bench. 

"You want to go?" John asked. 

"Oh definitely, I need to meet everyone." Alex laughed loudly. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Back at the dorm Alex was in his bed with the lights out, smiling to himself. 

He had John and friends that were more like a family no matter how dysfunctional they were. Everything was falling into place and Alex got the best sleep that night that he had ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it was a bit confusing in this chapter it certainly wasn't my best but I'll have another chapter for you lovelies next weekend. Hope you enjoyed it <3
> 
> Ps sorry for the short chapter :(


	5. Sorry this isn't a chapter

Hey y'all so I have a writers block or something similar at the moment. When I started this I was so into the plot and I had ideas for the next couple of chapters as I was writing but I've ran out of ideas and how to continue the plot. I'm so sorry I've kept y'all waiting this week but hopefully I can put out a good chapter for you next week. I really want these to be good quality for you all to read and it's going to take a little bit. Hopefully I'll be able to adjust to writing as well as keeping a schedule. Don't worry I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS FIC!!!!! I will come out with more chapters and finish this story I promise. 

Thank you so much I hope y'all understand <3


	6. The Laurens Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: homophobic slurs and graphic depictions of self harm.

The call came in sometimes around 5 am. 

Way too early for John to be up, much less anyone else. 

The phone screen read Henry Laurens. 

"Shit" he murmured.

He slowly picked up the phone. "Hello, sir?"

And then he sat numbly. He listened to his fathers angry voice. He listened and he didn't say anything. John couldn't do anything about it. He listened as his father, no, Henry, insulted him. He threw names and screamed and John just sat there. 

By 5:30 am, John no longer had a family. Sure he had college tuition but he was no longer allowed to associate himself with the Laurens household. 

He laid down his phone and walked numbly into the kitchen. 

He poured himself a cup of coffee leftover from the morning before. And then he sat down and drank his coffee numbly. 

He wasn't quite aware of what was going on. All he knew was he was cutoff. Henry never loved him. His mother did, Henry didn't. His siblings didn't. Martha maybe but the rest of them probably despised him. 

John was numb to the world. He lost his family and "how the HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH THAT?" He wondered. 

Of course he knew that Henry would figure it out at some point. He'd be pushed away, because after all, Henry Laurens couldn't have his political career tainted by his faggot son, heaven forbid. 

And that's how John found himself wandering towards the bathroom at the end of his dorms hallway. 

He sat down on the floor, still quite numb, still quite unaware of what was going on. 

He looked down at his right hand and saw he had somehow managed to grab one of Lafs kitchen knives. 

"It was a sign", he thought, "a sign I should kill myself."

After all, he was worthless. He couldn't even try and turn out right. All he would ever be was the Laurens family fuck up. The one you'd never here about because he was gay. 

And that's how John was slowly starting to bleed. He saw it all over his arm and he saw it drip down onto the bathroom floor. He figured out why Alexander must have liked this so much. He finally knew he didn't have anymore responsibilities. He'd be gone soon anyways. It was a weird sort of comfort. Knowing his problems would be gone. No one would miss him, he knew that for sure. 

And that's when John started sobbing. It wasn't silent, no it was the loud sort of sobbing. The kind that wracked your body with sharp inhales and hiccups for air every once in a while. 

His vision started going blurry, partly from tears, partly from lack of oxygen, partly from blood loss. 

And that's how John felt himself being lifted up. He was being cradled by someone. He wasn't aware who it was. All he cared was that he would still die. He wanted to die. No he NEEDED to die. He didn't have a purpose anymore. His 30 minute yelling session with Henry proved it. 

"LET ME GO!" He shouted. Still not aware who it was that was holding him. "JUST LET ME DIE!" He sobbed, still trying to break free of his captor. 

He felt himself being carried out of the bathroom. He didn't know quite where he was going, it didn't matter really. He knew he'd be dead soon and that's all that mattered. 

And that's how John Laurens passed out in Alexander Hamiltons arms, thinking he wasn't enough for anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all sorry this was a really sad chapter. Hopefully you liked it though and here's a reminder to everyone reading this. You are perfect and worth it and no one should be able to tell you any differently. I love all of you and thank you so much for reading <3


	7. Alex Finds John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of self harm

Alexander woke up sometime around 6 am, he couldn't be sure. 

He wasn't worried quite yet because it wasn't usual for him to wake up so early. 

But then he heard it. He heard the sobbing. Not the quite kind of sobbing either. This was the one that wracked your body with hiccups and sharp breaths. The one he was all too familiar with himself. But Lafayette was in the bed next to him so it wasn't him. He knew it couldn't be Hercules, he was a heavy sleeper, there was no way he could even wake himself up enough to be crying at 6 something in the morning. 

And then it hit him. "John." He whispered. 

He jumped out of his bed, rushing to the door and slamming it open. 

He faintly heard Laf calling out behind him, asking if something was wrong. 

He only had one thing on his mind though. It was John. What could have possibly happened to that literal ray of sunshine to make him sob like this. 

He ran towards the noise, towards the bathroom and he got a sinking feeling in his stomach. 

"Nonononononono" he muttered as he raced down the hallway. 

"John?" He asked quietly before opening the door gently. 

And then he saw blood. And he saw John's left arm. And then he saw him sobbing with the knife in his right hand. 

Alexander's heart was pounding. How could John end up like this. He could hear a quick beat in his ears as he surveyed the scene around him. 

After the initial shock he stepped into action. He gently took the knife out of John's hand. John didn't even realize. Whatever this was it must have fucked him up so bad he didn't even realize what was going on anymore. 

Alexander gently lifted John up into his arms, struggling a little with his weight at first, eventually getting used to it. He stood there for a little bit and whispered to John. 

"Hey, hey I'm here it's fine it's Alex don't worry I've got you your okay..."

He started to move towards the kitchen. Towards a phone, any phone it didn't matter but he needed to get him to the hospital. 

Then Laurens started to scream. 

"LET ME GO!" He screamed towards no one in particular, Alexander assumed it was towards him but he was also quite positive John didn't know it was him. "JUST LET ME DIE!" 

That one broke him. He started walking quickly down the hallway, furious at whoever or whatever did this to his Laurens. It was just a couple days ago that John had been telling him that he would be okay, making him feel better about himself. Reassuring him that he would try and help him. And now he was laying, broken and bleeding in Alex's arms. 

"LAF, HERC, SOMEONE I DON'T CARE CALL 911!" 

"I've got it!" Lafayette yelled back. 

Alex felt his arms grow heavy. He looked down and Lauren's had stopped crying. He had fainted.

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit." Alex murmured. He went to sit John down on the floor. He grabbed paper towels from the counter and pressed down onto the deep cut in John's arm. Using one hand to keep the pressure, he used the other to gently stroke John's hair. 

Of course he would meet someone as great as John only to loose him. 

"Snap out of it Hamilton." He thought sternly. 

He needed to keep John alive till the medics arrived. 

Eventually they did arrive. He watched as John was whisked away on a stretcher, his face abnormally pale. 

And somehow Alexander Hamilton found himself in the ER waiting to hear it John Laurens would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know this has been a sad couple of chapters but it'll get better, I hope. Don't worry I'll try:). Hopefully y'all liked it and comments and kudos are much appreciated!


	8. In the ER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short snippet of Alex in the ER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall! it's been a hot minute hasn't it. I have just started school but I do really want to continue this fic. Not quite sure where it's going right now but I do want to be able to finish it. Comment if you have any suggestions!!

Alex was slumped over in a hospital chair. There was a dull ache in his back, his head was pounding, and the smell of the hospital wasn't doing him any favours. 

He'd been sitting in the waiting room all night, Lafayette passed out on Hercules shoulder, who also happened to be dozing. 

Alex had no idea how either of them were sleeping. He hadn't been rooming with John for long, but he had already become close friends with him. Every time he closed his eyes he could see him laying on the floor, blood surrounding him, screaming to leave him to die. 

God, this always seemed to happen to Alex. Loose one friend, move on to the next and hope you don't loose them either. He was constantly surrounded by death and he so desperately wanted to escape its grip. Somehow, it always managed to find him. 

He sat with his head in his hands, running through possible scenarios until the doctor came out.

"Are you here for John Laurens?"

Hercules and Lafayette woke.

"Yes sir." Alex said, standing up. 

"The good news is, he'll be ok."

Lafayette let out an audible sigh of relief. 

"Oh thank god." Hercules mumbled. 

"When can we see him?" Alex asked impatiently.

"As soon as you would like." The doctor replied. 

And with that Alexander Hamilton was off down the hallway, Laf and Herc close behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and sorry about such a short chapter:/ Comments and kudos are much appreciated, I live for them:))


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